Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Anxiety here.

Alright, I have to admit, I am nervous about starting back to the weightloss clinic. But, I know I need the accountability. But, again I am getting those damn fears of failure. It is even hard to see them in writing. I didnt want to admit to it. But, I am afraid of failure. I dont even know why I have these fears. I know I have gain some weight since I left the program. In my heart I know I wont fail, but my mind is telling me otherwise.

I have this goal to work towards and a big reason to lose the weight. But, the fear keeps creeping in.
At times, I think about the high you get when you step on the scale and it shows a loss. I miss that damn high for sure. I need to keep going til I hit the goal line. For gosh sakes, I live in San Diego, you cant be fat in San Diego, you just cant. There is so much to do here that the fat just gets in the way.

Plus, I want to be able to fly(in a plane) of course. I am afraid to fly, big time. But, I am also afraid about not being able to sit in the seat.  The bulk of my family lives in England, and my brother moved to Ohio. I would like someday to visit both.

These last several months have gotten to me. My brother being diagnosed with inoperable cancer, the selling of my parents things, then their house. The pain has gotten the best of me. Sometimes, I wonder when I will feel whole again. Selling of their house, and knowing I will never see it again has opened up a lot of the wounds that I tried to have hide.

Also, I have noticed that since gaining some weight, I have gotten back into that wishing I was invisible feeling again. I avoid people and certain situations. I am moving back into the shadows that I use to live in and would hide into. For a brief time, I was relishing the light and feeling like I belonged. But, now with some of the weight gain, I am going back into my shell of deep darkness. Tomorrow night I will see what damages these last few months have done to me. It will also be the beginning.


safire said...

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I hope everything works out for you.

I get anxiety about things too but I try to sort it into two categories: things I can control and things I can't control. I tackle the things I can control in order of priorities.
Hope you have a good week and good luck with everything.

That corgi :) said...

((((hugs to you)))) I am sure it was hard and continues to be hard dealing with selling your parents' things/house because they lived in it so long as you did too (right?) So it is like selling your childhood, your memories, etc and not being able go there when you want to, etc. I'm sure a lot of the things there had special memories for you. Here with what we are dealing with it is totally different in that hubby's parents moved into this house after the kids left the nest so to speak and while there were some things they had, they bought a lot of new things that had no emotional attachment with hubby so it is easy for him to let them go.

I think it is good you are getting the feelings out and trying to deal with them, even if it does open up wounds and even if you do shed a few tears or feel a little bit of sadness etc.

Don't allow yourself to go into the shell of darkness.

You will do great with the weight loss clinic. Actually I really loved losing weight that way because of the accountability and the fact I was paying for it. I'm sure if I had to pay for maintenance I'd still be at the weight I wanted to be, LOL.

Change is hard, even if it is good change. It will all be good!

You can always email me, Lv2trnscrb@aol.com, if you ever need to just "let it all out" and "vent away". I promise, your secrets/etc will stay safe with me :)


Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Hey, you are taking steps... don't go back into that hiding shell!! I hope you can make it work for you again and I know you can. You are amazing and have already done amazing things!

As long as you NEVER GIVE UP then you will never fail. Failing is only when we quit trying! You are a WINNER, girl! You are strong and resilient and persistent!!

I know you will work this out and overcome!

God bless
Hugs and prayers to you!!