Alright, I have to admit, I am nervous about starting back to the weightloss clinic. But, I know I need the accountability. But, again I am getting those damn fears of failure. It is even hard to see them in writing. I didnt want to admit to it. But, I am afraid of failure. I dont even know why I have these fears. I know I have gain some weight since I left the program. In my heart I know I wont fail, but my mind is telling me otherwise.
I have this goal to work towards and a big reason to lose the weight. But, the fear keeps creeping in.
At times, I think about the high you get when you step on the scale and it shows a loss. I miss that damn high for sure. I need to keep going til I hit the goal line. For gosh sakes, I live in San Diego, you cant be fat in San Diego, you just cant. There is so much to do here that the fat just gets in the way.
Plus, I want to be able to fly(in a plane) of course. I am afraid to fly, big time. But, I am also afraid about not being able to sit in the seat. The bulk of my family lives in England, and my brother moved to Ohio. I would like someday to visit both.
These last several months have gotten to me. My brother being diagnosed with inoperable cancer, the selling of my parents things, then their house. The pain has gotten the best of me. Sometimes, I wonder when I will feel whole again. Selling of their house, and knowing I will never see it again has opened up a lot of the wounds that I tried to have hide.
Also, I have noticed that since gaining some weight, I have gotten back into that wishing I was invisible feeling again. I avoid people and certain situations. I am moving back into the shadows that I use to live in and would hide into. For a brief time, I was relishing the light and feeling like I belonged. But, now with some of the weight gain, I am going back into my shell of deep darkness. Tomorrow night I will see what damages these last few months have done to me. It will also be the beginning.