Sometimes I just dont understand

I wanted to post about me getting a new car, which I did Saturday.

The AAN(Academy of American Neurology) conference is held this year at San Diego, so I had to attend on Sunday. But, I was going to make it a great day. I actually took the trolley into downtown. I got off at Old Town to meet a friend who was also attending the conference. We had a wonderful lunch. Then we hopped back on the trolley and head downtown to the Gaslamp district and the convention center.  Great time.

Well it was St Patrick's day, which ironically it is my brother Pats bday. So during a break I called to wish him a happy birthday. I thought he was back home in Ohio, so I didnt want to call late.  When, I explained I wanted to call early because of the time difference, he explained that he was just discharged from the hospital here and will not see Ohio again. (He is getting his oncology care here). Apparently we are at the end. I knew it was terminal, I did. But he is such a gregarious person, so strong, so positive,  when he said he was going to fight this cancer, I believed him and thought he was going to get extra years. I am not a fool, and perhaps it was just wishful thinking, but I did think he would be victorious. But it was apparently the fight is over. I just wasnt expecting this and started sobbing on the phone, my heart was just breaking into so many pieces. He said he was going to stop by his work last night about 9pm, he works a Radys Children's hospital for the last 35 years the 7pm to 7 am shift and they all wanted to see him.
He said he is going to stop by and visit me and our other brothers to say our final good byes.

I do not know how the hell I was able to finish the conference. I know I looked a wreck. I started out the day looking nice and polished, then come back from break looking like hell.

You know, April 4, was going to be the 1 yr of the fatal crash and I was praying that after that the painful memories would start to ease and this year would be better. But, no its not.

You all know I am a woman of God and very spiritual. But, my faith is being tested. I know he exist and I know that the spirits exist, since I have a blessed gift that allows me to see them and communicate. ( I dont talk about it because it is a God given gift to me). Those no-believers, hey I would be too, trust me. But, I am certainly struggling to understand the pain that has been put on my shoulders and truthfully, I am angry. I pray every night and ask him why must I carry this pain.Why does it have to be so hard.  It is becoming at time unbearable and I not sure I can carry it anymore.

Sorry for my post, after such a long delay, had to be this. I really really wanted it to be a fun one. I will tell you all another time about my new stray cat that I am keeping, my new car and other things. Until then, please send prayers they are certainly needed. Gracie