Surgery date set!

Met with the surgeon today. Scheduled my surgery for June 17. I am so happy, I was certain he would insist sooner. But he was agreeable. PERFECT, my bosses go on vacation the same day.

 I was laughing so hard at a friends blog, he was writing about waxing. Ironically I do that before surgery. So, it was perfect timing.
http://almostgastricbypass2.blogspot.com/. Oh my gosh my stomach really hurts from laughing so much. Trust me friends, it has been a long time since I have laughed, let alone like that.  It gives me two months of more dieting and walking to get in better shape. SInce as you all know, I think my surgeon is a cutie. :)

Glad I slept on it

Yesterday, if I had posted, which I wanted to, I needed to vent. But it would have been filled with anger, and very very bad words. But I am better now.

I had my CAT scan yesterday, they make you drink 32 oz of water in an hour. Geez, like that is a big deal. I had no issues what so ever, did it in 30 minutes. Then they did the test. Tech said the doctor will either get the results to your PCP today or tomorrow. Kool, I am not going to worry.

I am talking to my boss at 11:00 and my son sends me a text to call my PCP. WTF.... OK, calm down, so I call. My hernia does have a bowel obstruction, so keep an eye on it, make sure if doesnt get red, swollen and painful and she is referring me to a surgeon. HAHAHAHAHAHA.... fucking great. (Sorry that slipped).

I guess, beside having to have surgery again, I am pissed off because I have just been getting back to my normal routine at lunch. I  am at 2 miles and going for more. It has taken this long to gradually get back to this level.

Hey, I am ok. One small step back, I'll be fine. So, I just need to pick it up now, so I am in better shape than I was before my last surgery. I think it took me so long because of the PTSD. I was mentally fried, depressed and slipping over the edge of darkness. But, I am much better.(Thanks to the double dosage my doctor put me on) :).

I had my brother over Saturday night. He and wife could only stay for an hour. He gets tired very easily. He looked so bad, working at a hospital for over 25 years. I know the look, the skin color and other signs of ... you kno.  But, he was my brother,loud, talkative and funny. We laughed a lot and I was good. No tears or sobs. I put my big girl panties on and toughed it out for him. I admit a couple of times my eyes watered. But I blinked them away. Of course, when he left we didnt say good bye. He did say that he doesnt want a memorial or anything like that. Geez, I have to admit Pat does everything his way, even to the end. He did say he is sending me something in the mail after he is gone.   But all in all, It was so great to see him again, even if it may be the last time.

So much for a good year.lol

Let me start off by saying that I am not giving up hope for things to get better. But, still with the impending loss of my brother and now more surgery for me, the odds are against me.  I've been silent for a while, so let me tell you about it.
You might remember about a month or so ago, I thought I gave myself a hernia. I went to my doctor who put fingers everywhere they didnt belong. :(   She found nothing. So, ok, I just pulled a muscle. Well two days after my brother told me his situation, I had gone to the doctors for something. On my way to work, traffic was just stopped bumper to bumper, and I realized that I just couldnt face it or work and I went home. Now, I never do stuff like this. But, mentally I was down and out. So, home I go. I get home and when I get stressed I clean house. So I am vacuuming and I pull out an end table to clean behind it. No problem it looked good afterwards. Well Saturday morning, as I am waking up. I am stretching and rubbing my belly (Dont we all do that?) and I feel a lump in my belly button. Crap. I am certain it is a hernia. So Tuesday back to the doctor.  She is feeling it and thinking that perhaps this isnt a hernia but a tumor. Fricking great!

So Friday off to get an ultrasound, of course between Tuesday and Friday I catch this horrible cold from the spouse and my throat is killing me, fever galore. So Thursday at 11:15 pm, I get up take a large dose of Ibuprofen for the fever, because it is NPO after midnight. I wake up with a raging fever and gosh awful sore throat. It hurt to even swallow my own spit. I couldnt even take a sip of water due to my test. So I go to the ultrasound and the tech is really quiet doing my test. I said well if it is not a hernia, then it is a tumor. She said, I am sorry but I am not allowed to say anything. But the radiologist WILL be calling your doctor this AM with the results. Ok, is it just me or did that sound ominous?  I start to go to work, since it is only 7:30 in th am. But, I am so sick, now scared that I go home. Seriously this is so not like me. About 5:30 that night, yes I waited all day, the on-call MD (My doctor doesnt work on Fridays) called and yes you have a hernia. She initially was just going to leave the results for my MD to call me on Tuesday when she gets in, but knew I was worried by the message I left for the doctor that AM. Bless that woman. OMG, I was so happy (?) . Now next Tuesday, I go for a CAT scan. I am hoping that it is minor and I can wait several months before surgery.  Hey, I think people need to stay away from me because I must be cursed.

Well, tomorrow is April 4.  It will be exactly one year since the fatal car crash. I cannot believe it. It still feels like yesterday. I drive past the site to and from work everyday. But, the flash backs are getting less and less. I wonder about the families and how they will be tomorrow. 

Strangely, I havent weighed myself lately. I hope things are going down hill. My appetite sure has. I rarely eat dinner now and maybe will have a small lunch or breakfast. 

Fun stuff for once.

Well, when I was out on medical leave after having the tumor removed. I was walking a lot out side, well usually about 5 min at a time. Having surgery on your belly hurts like hell. Well, all of sudden this stray cat started hanging around. I would walk then sit outside in the sun resting. I would watch this cat, a small young cat. Very skittish. But as time when on, I thought it would be nice to have a cat around since we have mice and rats in my area. Its very countrified were I live and the rats hang around for our fruit trees. Heck we also have coyotes, raccoons and opossums. Well, I started to feed the kitty. I couldn't tell if it was male or female, but I called her Miss Kitty. She began to warm up to me. It was apparent she wasn't feral. Someone must have dumped her off. Not sure if I mentioned that I have a wacka doodle that lives across the street. She is a cat hoarder. She must have close to 50  cats. They are never allowed outside and she does take exceptional care of them and spayed and neuters them. But, it seems this kitty wanted nothing to do with her.  One day, as I was sitting in the sun, with my legs stretched out, this kitty actually jumped on my lap and took a nap. She had me!

So, of course its been nearly 6 months and she knows she is home. I took her to get fixed, she is a girl and guess what she was already spayed. 

I have always been a dog person, I mean I have my 3 Labradors, and I used to have my two cockers spaniels (Gosh I still miss my little Brandy, she had my heart). So that was 5 dogs for years. Let me just say this, that is way too many. Three is just fine. But, this kitty I just adore. She helped me in my recovery since I was always walking with her and mentally also.  I bought her a new bed. The cammo bed was an inside joke since the guys in the family are hunters.

Where to begin

Well I received a call last night from one of my other brothers, I'll call him T. He said Pat and family stopped by since T's daughter is leaving for a vacation to Belize and wanted to see Pat. T said that Pat is still himself, still non stop talking. LOL, My Pat does love to talk and he talks fast and about anything. When he calls you, it takes about 5 minutes before you can even get one word in. I am seriously not joking. Its hilarious. T said that Pat actually has weeks, not months like we thought. It may even be shorter. He said Pat plans to stop by with the rest of the family also. His daughters flew into town and are going to be with him. He did say that Pat is only on liquids and that is being fed thru a IV. Pat told him he also wants to put his feet into the ocean one more time. T told me that Pat also told him, when the pain gets to much, he is going to stop the IV feedings and go on his own time. T told me that Pat doesnt want people(me) to get emotional, just visit with him. I am going to do this for him.But, the moment he leaves I will break down, that is how I am. I asked God this morning to give me the strength to be strong, and the words to say to help him. I wanted to ask him to help me thru the pain, but that seemed rather selfish, so I didnt. I guess I will need my blog friends for that.

I have to say that is really hard to come to work and act like my life isnt in shambles. But I do.

Amen

http://www.10news.com/news/man-accused-of-shooting-two-sheriffs-deputies-in-lakeside-ordered-to-stand-trial-032113

This officer was actually one of the football coaches for my son in HS.

Sometimes I just dont understand

I wanted to post about me getting a new car, which I did Saturday.

The AAN(Academy of American Neurology) conference is held this year at San Diego, so I had to attend on Sunday. But, I was going to make it a great day. I actually took the trolley into downtown. I got off at Old Town to meet a friend who was also attending the conference. We had a wonderful lunch. Then we hopped back on the trolley and head downtown to the Gaslamp district and the convention center.  Great time.

Well it was St Patrick's day, which ironically it is my brother Pats bday. So during a break I called to wish him a happy birthday. I thought he was back home in Ohio, so I didnt want to call late.  When, I explained I wanted to call early because of the time difference, he explained that he was just discharged from the hospital here and will not see Ohio again. (He is getting his oncology care here). Apparently we are at the end. I knew it was terminal, I did. But he is such a gregarious person, so strong, so positive,  when he said he was going to fight this cancer, I believed him and thought he was going to get extra years. I am not a fool, and perhaps it was just wishful thinking, but I did think he would be victorious. But it was apparently the fight is over. I just wasnt expecting this and started sobbing on the phone, my heart was just breaking into so many pieces. He said he was going to stop by his work last night about 9pm, he works a Radys Children's hospital for the last 35 years the 7pm to 7 am shift and they all wanted to see him.
He said he is going to stop by and visit me and our other brothers to say our final good byes.

I do not know how the hell I was able to finish the conference. I know I looked a wreck. I started out the day looking nice and polished, then come back from break looking like hell.

You know, April 4, was going to be the 1 yr of the fatal crash and I was praying that after that the painful memories would start to ease and this year would be better. But, no its not.

You all know I am a woman of God and very spiritual. But, my faith is being tested. I know he exist and I know that the spirits exist, since I have a blessed gift that allows me to see them and communicate. ( I dont talk about it because it is a God given gift to me). Those no-believers, hey I would be too, trust me. But, I am certainly struggling to understand the pain that has been put on my shoulders and truthfully, I am angry. I pray every night and ask him why must I carry this pain.Why does it have to be so hard.  It is becoming at time unbearable and I not sure I can carry it anymore.

Sorry for my post, after such a long delay, had to be this. I really really wanted it to be a fun one. I will tell you all another time about my new stray cat that I am keeping, my new car and other things. Until then, please send prayers they are certainly needed. Gracie