Hello

I am so sorry I have been gone for so long.  Things have been  pretty awful. As some of you know, my brother Pat passed away in July last year. His birthday was March 17th and as if the Lord hates me, my other brother, Mike died on Pats birthday. I got a call when I was at work. Completely unexpected. I have been numb for a while. He was a teacher in a local city called Chula Vista. The school held a large memorial for him on Friday. It was incredibly touching.  My last remaining brother and I have been working on his estate and things like that. 

I will try to keep up with this blog as I miss some of my blog friends so much.

Back to work

Well it has been a long 6 weeks of hell for me. But, today I am back to work with a new focus on life. I am so glad to be back to work.

About a week after my surgery, I went to my medium group and she read a few things that related to me. One, was about suicide. I  remember first shock that she said it exactly to a T. I also was a little pissed off that spirit was tattling on me. Isn't that silly. But, I was angry for about a week, then I started to feel guilty. Then suddenly I realized what an ass I was for even going to that direction. I did a lot of thinking those six weeks. I first had the fatal accident issue, then my 3 surgeries in 2.5 years. Then the diagnosis, and eventual loss of my brother. I realized I made it through all of this and I know I could only have done it with Gods help. I started to feel more inner peace.

I really want to change my life around and do right with the Lord, spirit, myself and family. And I think I can do it.

My brothers fight is over...

This was posted by my niece on facebook, and it was so lovely I wanted to share with my blogger friends.

My father, Patrick , passed away tonight at 10:57 pm Pacific Time in La Mesa, California. Dad had been dealing with cancer for quite some time and living well with it until a few months ago. He was peaceful and in no pain at a lovely hospice setting with roses and cats and overlooking a manmade lake. He was only 61 years old. He had worked for 36 years as a respiratory therapist at Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego. His specialty was working with preemies in the neonatal intensive care unit. Over 36 years, Dad worked with thousands of babies and families and mentored many of the staff in the unit. He was a co-organizer and founder of the nurses and technical staff union at Rady, UNOCH. Dad was also an avid rockhound, creative mind, lover of the desert, and a devoted family man. My family is very, very sad tonight, but he is free now. Here is a song for my dad, Southwestern man to the core: A Horse With No Name.

Well heck

You'd think I would be a pro by now on surgery. But, each time gets tougher. But, with each passing week I get better. My surgery went well, I had to stay 3 days and 2 nights. It was really really painful. The hernia had grown quite large and they did put a mesh in, but due to the size they had to use these buttons as stitches. It was gross. As time went by the buttons started to cut into my skin and was awful. I couldn't move much or they would just slice into me. But I survived and they were removed today. I am so grateful. Now, I can start walking again and swimming again. We have had 90 plus degree weather and all I could do was stay inside. But now all of that is behind me. Monday, my daughter and I are going to start walking at the lakes. I will need to get there by 6 to 7 am before the heat rises. Its nice because the lakes (7 total) has a defined walking path with 1K, 3K, and a 5K. These lakes are all flat walking, not like the one I use to do which was a 6.3 mile hike and hilly. Gosh, I miss those days. I felt so good about myself then.  I know it will be slow for me, but I am excited to get started.  Julie, I am so thankful to have you as a friend. I know your prayers are helping me. God Bless.

One week from today...Yikes

One week from today is my surgery for the incisional hernia. I am really nervous.

Last week I babysat my brother and SIL dogs so they could go camping. Thats right I said camping. One of my other brothers is a  Head Park Ranger and runs two lakes. One of the lakes has a cabin that actually is handicapped equipped and has a hospital bed.  It was great they said, Pat is pretty weak and now uses a wheelchair to mobilize around. Pat, my SIL , one of their daughters and her kids and husband went. They had a wonderful time. Their two dogs are fricking cute. One is a chorki, looks more like a yorki and the other is a Chihuahua, each weigh about 2-3 lbs. It was crazy. They are amazingly well behaved. I brought them to work with me and then took then on walks 3-4 X day. You know for being so tiny they loved walking and walking. It was fun. I kept them in my office and they never made a sound.

They weather has been nice all weekend I spent in the pool and by it. I also spent some time with the birds and cleaning the aviary. I have about a dozen cockatiels and they are so so cute. I have been raising cockatiels for about 20 years. I just love having them in my backyard. Funny the dogs dont even pay attention to them.

Friday I am off, I have my pre-anesthesia visit and then I am going for some waxing. Then to DMV to get my personalized license plates for the new car. After that, I am off for a few weeks. I will try to be better on posting and adding some pictures.

Link to cabin: Pretty cool really

http://www.escondido.org/Dixon-Lake-accessible-cabin.aspx

Well Jury duty is done and gone..Yeah!

I might have mentioned that I got summons to Jury duty the month I returned to work in March. I postponed it to yesterday. My thinking was that usually the courts are dark on Friday and Monday was a holiday so not a lot of case will start. I was right hehe. By 10:30 I was released. So, instead of going back to work, I went home and went swimming. Good times, good times.

I was suppose to be off next Tuesday (my birthday) and Wednesday. So it would be 5 days off. Sounds awesome. But, it didn't quite work out that way. Tuesday, an important conference call was set up with my boss, myself and a couple of Directors. Crap! It is 11:00 to 12:00. Seriously, right in the middle of the day. Sooooo, after that I am outta of here.(Wishful thinking). Most likely after the call, my boss will want to discuss the call...ugh. But, I am going out with my daughter Tuesday night, so I think I will still take Wednesday off. I don't know, we'll see. Also, the weather is suppose to get cooler. Bummer. The pool was starting to feel mighty fine.

Really

I think this should have made more of a headline?  Is it a miracle or what? Local online news.

FBI: Man shot dead became violent

Strike

There is a strike at my work for a certain Union. I dont belong to a Union, since I am a supervisor. So I am at work. Today is suppose to be the last day of the strike.

Friday night, my daughter and her roommate and son and I went to the Padre game against the Nationals.
Great tickets, Field level near 1st base. They were free to us, a comp from a friend with connections. The day before, Strasburg pitched for the Nats, my daughter went to school with him from kindergarten to HS.
Another story there.

We sat behind 3 Marines, one was completed sloshed. He was a Nat fan. And of course as most snookered people, was a bit loud and obnoxious talking about the other team. Finally half way thru the game, my daughter was eating popcorn, I grabbed a few and threw them at his head. LOL... the girls all laughed, the Marines all laughed and after that we all became friends. It was a fun time. I did ask the drunk one who was driving home. Because base is an hour away for the Marines. He pointed to the furthest boy, who was only 20. He actually wasnt drinking so I  felt better.  We ended up losing, but it was a great game, with a tie in the 9th by the Padres, losing in the 10th.

Saturday and Sunday spent the weekend doing housework and swimming. Tomorrow I have Jury duty, I doubt they will put me on a case since usually they are dark on Friday and Monday is a holiday.

Walking has been really good I have kept up the 3 miles at lunch. I brought in a complete change of clothes for walking, then I change back into work clothes. Nice system.

Mothers day was nice

The weather has been murder here. 99 on Mothers day. Today its already 102. Yikes. So Sunday, I did some shopping, then laundry. Then I dusted and vacuumed. But, don't pity me.... then I jumped in the pool!!!!!
It was lovely, of course I had to share it with my 3 Labradors. But so worth it. The guys, did a BBQ, so they BBQ'd  T-Bones, of course what man doesn't BBQ beef. UG me man!!!!  But they also (for me) put some jumbo shrimp and lobster tails on the grill...: )  We also did corn on the cob. They got me a Ice cream cake for mother day from the Dairy Queen. But, I was so full that I didn't have any. They were a little pissy about that. But hey, seriously lobster vs ice cream cake. Lobster is always going to win everytime.

When I get home, it will be straight into the pool for me.

My good bye visit

This was when Pat, in the single chair under the fish, came to visit me a few weeks ago. He was looking pretty weak, but awful good to me. His wife is on the other couch. Me, I am taking the picture. Just incase you are wondering why I have a stupid fish on my wall. Well my son caught it, it is called a White fish?... He was five years old when he caught it on a deep see fishing trip.  His dad had to stuff the damn thing and put it on the wall.  I thought a picture would have worked just as well. But, nooooo. So there is sits.

I think I mentioned that I got a new car.

I never really talked about it since so much happened since buying it. I do love it so much.

It has a nice trunk area to put my big ol pooches when they go to the vet.

I'm strange

Ok, I keep walking, actually it is helping with the mental issues. I was thinking my hernia was getting bigger, but it turns out my tummy is getting smaller. Hence the hernia just feels bigger. Did I tell you it feels so gross....

 I went to Costco the other day from work to get my egg white, Romaine, baby bells and carrots. I couldnt believe it, but my sister-in law(Pats wife) was there with  one of my nieces.  My Niece was in town (of course), she is a big wig in Chicago. She is this big activist for the disabled. Love her and dont get to see her much. But, it was really a huge surprise to see them. The other daughter was staying with Pat.  I was just talking to my SIL that afternoon to see how Pat was. I also wanted to tell her not to worry about us,(me and my other brothers). She was saying that she was feeling guilty that we couldnt come over to see Pat. Pat didnt want visitors. But, I told her we did say our good byes when Pat was his self and that would be how Pat would want us to remember him. Also, Pat should be with the ones he loves. I am not saying he doesnt love us, he does. But Pat married his soulmate. They have been together probably 45 years. They met young and that was it. Plus, he is only awake maybe minutes a day and he needs to be with her and the kids. We truly do understand.  When the end is imminent she will call us to be there at the very end.

Ok for the strange part. When I do have surgery, I will be off 4-5 weeks from work. I hope to be able to swim if possible, but at least rest by the pool. But, I was thinking it would be nice to have some books to read. So I ordered 50 shades of grey. LOL...I told my daughter and she couldnt believe it. I just laughed and told her I guess you didnt know your mom was a perv. LOL.. She just shook her head. I laughed and said you know damn well you will want to borrow those books when I am done.(She is 25 and her roommate is 27).  I know both of those chickies will want to read them. Heck at that age I know I would have by now had them read.  I dont know what has gotten into me...or maybe what hasnt.  hehe.....

I had a dream

Last week I had a dream that my brother T called me and said that Pat was doing worse and is in a lot of pain. He said also that there were issues with the medication. And they are in contact with hospice.
I woke up feeling so sad and sick to my stomach.

Saturday, T called me and said Pat is doing worse and in a lot of pain. His wife is in contact with Hospice. Apparently Pat is so weak. He can speak for a few minutes of the day and then is out for the rest of the day. He is in a lot of pain, and apparently there is some issues with the pain medication not being as effective as they want. He is also having some altered mental status.  His daughters and the grandkids are here.

Now, I am scared of sleeping and dreaming, I am afraid of having the final phone call. When I am awake, I jump if my cell phone rings.  I feel like a zombie and just waiting for the finale to hit.

Back to the doctors

I took my son back to the doctor yesterday. Sure enough his ear infections were not getting better, so she switched the antibiotics. I felt so bad for him, on the way home I asked him if he wanted me to pick something up for lunch. He said, no. I said, not even  in N out  it a yummy burger place here. He said, ok. He sure did light up with that. So, at in N out  there is always a line. They pretty much only sell burgers and fries. So of course he got the double double . I got a x-large diet coke. Man the smell nearly killed my diet. I told him, that I was going to drop him off at home and then I will go get the new prescription. I mentioned to him, to be sure he eats while I am gone...He did and he threw the trash out so there was no evidence. LOL

I ended up eating my salad, with the Lean Cuisine topping. Its good, its the new lean Cuisine thingy. I had the Southwest one. Definitely not a double double, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

Weather here at home is hot!

Well after working 7 days straight, I'm a bit pooped. Weekend before last, I worked at a walk/run charity event at Mission Bay. Drizzled all day. Saturday, I worked a lecture with the Neurologist and Neurosurgeons on Campus(La Jolla) cold as heck. Now the weather is in the 90's at home. Sunday I laid out by the pool. That was nice. My boy, has been super sick. I took him to the doctors on Friday, he has a URI, bilateral ear infections, bilateral pink eye and laryngitis. FRICK.  Today, I am leaving at lunch to take him back to the doctors, his ears still hurt. Still up all night coughing. My poor (20 yo) baby. I bought him some grape Popsicles to help his throat.  lol, I know I treat him like an 8 year old. But, when my kids are sick, they need their momma.....

My walking has been doing great. My daughter has started working out and eating healthy as a partner for me. She is doing great. She knows at times I struggle to put me first and she will text me and say "why didn't you log today on MFP". I laugh, but then go and put my daily food and workout on it. She is keeping me strong. She knows I really want to get lower before surgery in June.  I can be on facebook and she will send me an IM and say" so what are you having for dinner?" or" how was your walk". God I love her!

Heck I had some woman on my floor tell me I sure was looking good and could see the weight loss. At lot of people on my floor always see me walking at lunch. Its kind of funny, because they will see me and say "so how is the weather outside" since they know I was out in it. Or maybe they are just stalkers, who knows.

Been working a lot ugh

Well, I have had  3 weekends I have had to work for special events related to work. But, the doctors has been so appreciative, they know how much I love tea and gave me a bag full of Starbucks teas. Initially when they brought in the gift, it was in a starbucks bag, I was dreading that it was something food related. But they know I am dieting and such and bless there hearts it was Tea. I really do have the BEST bosses ever.

I have lost only about 7-8 lbs,since February but my pants a real baggy. I just bought them Feb/13. My lunch walking is still doing good, infact one day last week, I was able to increase my 2 mile walk to 3 miles. Yippeeee. I hope I can do it again. It was like the stars and moon were aligned perfectly.lol  But, I was pretty darn proud of myself and will try to do this at least once a week, then twice and so on... I am bound and determined to lose more weight before my surgery again in June.

I forgot to mention, my baggy pants may look stupid to some people, but I wear as a badge of courage.:)

Surgery date set!

Met with the surgeon today. Scheduled my surgery for June 17. I am so happy, I was certain he would insist sooner. But he was agreeable. PERFECT, my bosses go on vacation the same day.

 I was laughing so hard at a friends blog, he was writing about waxing. Ironically I do that before surgery. So, it was perfect timing.
http://almostgastricbypass2.blogspot.com/. Oh my gosh my stomach really hurts from laughing so much. Trust me friends, it has been a long time since I have laughed, let alone like that.  It gives me two months of more dieting and walking to get in better shape. SInce as you all know, I think my surgeon is a cutie. :)

Glad I slept on it

Yesterday, if I had posted, which I wanted to, I needed to vent. But it would have been filled with anger, and very very bad words. But I am better now.

I had my CAT scan yesterday, they make you drink 32 oz of water in an hour. Geez, like that is a big deal. I had no issues what so ever, did it in 30 minutes. Then they did the test. Tech said the doctor will either get the results to your PCP today or tomorrow. Kool, I am not going to worry.

I am talking to my boss at 11:00 and my son sends me a text to call my PCP. WTF.... OK, calm down, so I call. My hernia does have a bowel obstruction, so keep an eye on it, make sure if doesnt get red, swollen and painful and she is referring me to a surgeon. HAHAHAHAHAHA.... fucking great. (Sorry that slipped).

I guess, beside having to have surgery again, I am pissed off because I have just been getting back to my normal routine at lunch. I  am at 2 miles and going for more. It has taken this long to gradually get back to this level.

Hey, I am ok. One small step back, I'll be fine. So, I just need to pick it up now, so I am in better shape than I was before my last surgery. I think it took me so long because of the PTSD. I was mentally fried, depressed and slipping over the edge of darkness. But, I am much better.(Thanks to the double dosage my doctor put me on) :).

I had my brother over Saturday night. He and wife could only stay for an hour. He gets tired very easily. He looked so bad, working at a hospital for over 25 years. I know the look, the skin color and other signs of ... you kno.  But, he was my brother,loud, talkative and funny. We laughed a lot and I was good. No tears or sobs. I put my big girl panties on and toughed it out for him. I admit a couple of times my eyes watered. But I blinked them away. Of course, when he left we didnt say good bye. He did say that he doesnt want a memorial or anything like that. Geez, I have to admit Pat does everything his way, even to the end. He did say he is sending me something in the mail after he is gone.   But all in all, It was so great to see him again, even if it may be the last time.

So much for a good year.lol

Let me start off by saying that I am not giving up hope for things to get better. But, still with the impending loss of my brother and now more surgery for me, the odds are against me.  I've been silent for a while, so let me tell you about it.
You might remember about a month or so ago, I thought I gave myself a hernia. I went to my doctor who put fingers everywhere they didnt belong. :(   She found nothing. So, ok, I just pulled a muscle. Well two days after my brother told me his situation, I had gone to the doctors for something. On my way to work, traffic was just stopped bumper to bumper, and I realized that I just couldnt face it or work and I went home. Now, I never do stuff like this. But, mentally I was down and out. So, home I go. I get home and when I get stressed I clean house. So I am vacuuming and I pull out an end table to clean behind it. No problem it looked good afterwards. Well Saturday morning, as I am waking up. I am stretching and rubbing my belly (Dont we all do that?) and I feel a lump in my belly button. Crap. I am certain it is a hernia. So Tuesday back to the doctor.  She is feeling it and thinking that perhaps this isnt a hernia but a tumor. Fricking great!

So Friday off to get an ultrasound, of course between Tuesday and Friday I catch this horrible cold from the spouse and my throat is killing me, fever galore. So Thursday at 11:15 pm, I get up take a large dose of Ibuprofen for the fever, because it is NPO after midnight. I wake up with a raging fever and gosh awful sore throat. It hurt to even swallow my own spit. I couldnt even take a sip of water due to my test. So I go to the ultrasound and the tech is really quiet doing my test. I said well if it is not a hernia, then it is a tumor. She said, I am sorry but I am not allowed to say anything. But the radiologist WILL be calling your doctor this AM with the results. Ok, is it just me or did that sound ominous?  I start to go to work, since it is only 7:30 in th am. But, I am so sick, now scared that I go home. Seriously this is so not like me. About 5:30 that night, yes I waited all day, the on-call MD (My doctor doesnt work on Fridays) called and yes you have a hernia. She initially was just going to leave the results for my MD to call me on Tuesday when she gets in, but knew I was worried by the message I left for the doctor that AM. Bless that woman. OMG, I was so happy (?) . Now next Tuesday, I go for a CAT scan. I am hoping that it is minor and I can wait several months before surgery.  Hey, I think people need to stay away from me because I must be cursed.

Well, tomorrow is April 4.  It will be exactly one year since the fatal car crash. I cannot believe it. It still feels like yesterday. I drive past the site to and from work everyday. But, the flash backs are getting less and less. I wonder about the families and how they will be tomorrow. 

Strangely, I havent weighed myself lately. I hope things are going down hill. My appetite sure has. I rarely eat dinner now and maybe will have a small lunch or breakfast. 

Fun stuff for once.

Well, when I was out on medical leave after having the tumor removed. I was walking a lot out side, well usually about 5 min at a time. Having surgery on your belly hurts like hell. Well, all of sudden this stray cat started hanging around. I would walk then sit outside in the sun resting. I would watch this cat, a small young cat. Very skittish. But as time when on, I thought it would be nice to have a cat around since we have mice and rats in my area. Its very countrified were I live and the rats hang around for our fruit trees. Heck we also have coyotes, raccoons and opossums. Well, I started to feed the kitty. I couldn't tell if it was male or female, but I called her Miss Kitty. She began to warm up to me. It was apparent she wasn't feral. Someone must have dumped her off. Not sure if I mentioned that I have a wacka doodle that lives across the street. She is a cat hoarder. She must have close to 50  cats. They are never allowed outside and she does take exceptional care of them and spayed and neuters them. But, it seems this kitty wanted nothing to do with her.  One day, as I was sitting in the sun, with my legs stretched out, this kitty actually jumped on my lap and took a nap. She had me!

So, of course its been nearly 6 months and she knows she is home. I took her to get fixed, she is a girl and guess what she was already spayed. 

I have always been a dog person, I mean I have my 3 Labradors, and I used to have my two cockers spaniels (Gosh I still miss my little Brandy, she had my heart). So that was 5 dogs for years. Let me just say this, that is way too many. Three is just fine. But, this kitty I just adore. She helped me in my recovery since I was always walking with her and mentally also.  I bought her a new bed. The cammo bed was an inside joke since the guys in the family are hunters.